


The Complexities of Boyfriendery

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Daddy Kink, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Pesterlog, Webcam/Video Chat Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 01:17:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10629144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Dave and John get married, talk about their dicks, start dating, and then whip out their dicks.In that order.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this was meant for 413 because it feels honestly so ancient?? this is some vintage aesthetic johndave
> 
> (it's late because i hate coding)
> 
>  
> 
> [catch me on my tumblr here. ](http://luciferslittlekitten.tumblr.com/)

turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist [EB].

TG: sup  
TG: whats going on egbert  
TG: long time no see  
TG: or type  
TG: whatever  
EB: hey dave!  
EB: and yeah, it has been a while, hasn't it?  
EB: i'm not doing much. kind of bored, to be honest.  
EB: what about you?  
TG: well the bored thing makes two of us to be real with you  
TG: i literally havent done shit all day its like the walking dead up in here  
TG: help me obi wan johnobi you're my only hope  
TG: save me from this boredom  
EB: i'm not going to be half as good at the saving thing.   
EB: but i’m sure as hell going to try  
EB: and fail i might, but i will try! so...  
EB: what do you want to talk about?  
TG: i dont know man but that speech you just gave totally slapped me right the fuck out of the daze ive been in  
TG: slapped me right in the face  
TG: youre killing the boredom just by talking i mean look at it dude its dying  
TG: you should really invest in a cape egbert because youre my hero right now  
TG: standing victorious over my boredoms corpse  
TG: anyway  
TG: i don't know man i guess i missed you thats the only thing i can think of  
EB: you did?  
TG: of course i did are you shitting me right now  
EB: well, i guess i am a little bit irresistible.  
TG: maybe a little  
TG: you got me there dude  
EB: i mean, i already knew that the ladies couldn't control themselves around me  
EB: but i guess the same goes for the gentlemen too!  
TG: dude the guys are trying hold their own in that line of girls gawking over you but those chicks are vicious  
EB: it's probably going to get bloody soon with all these people fighting over me.  
TG: theres just so many john  
TG: people are dying out there  
EB: it's like i must be cleopatra or something because my handsomeness seems to be starting wars!  
TG: clearly  
TG: it also seems to be fueling your huge ego nicely  
TG: geez john get over yourself  
TG: no wait let me fan you  
EB: pssh, as if you have any place to be commenting on the size of my ego.  
EB: but i'm not going to stop you from fanning me.  
TG: hahaha you got me there  
TG: okay good ill be right there with my fanning skills  
TG: you know im at least a level 34 at fanning  
TG: its crazy shit  
TG: you should be honored that im willing to use them on you because shit  
TG: youre talking to an expert  
EB: a level 34? for real? wow...  
EB: thank you, sir strider, for blessing me with your fanning abilities  
TG: yeah be jealous  
EB: i think i'm actually swooning.  
TG: you are  
TG: i mean of course you are  
TG: my skills are clearly swoon worthy  
TG: if i say so  
TG: and youre very welcome sir egbert anything for my hero  
TG: my savior of boredom  
TG: youre a man of many titles  
EB: my many titles are but trophies upon my metaphorical shelf of greatness, dave.  
EB: i'm honestly surprised i haven't won a nobel peace prize yet. that feels like a thing i should have won by now.  
TG: you havent won it yet?  
TG: i was so fucking positive you already had it basking in your glory by now on your sweet ass metaphorical shelf  
EB: nope.  
EB: i guess the world just hasn't witnessed enough of my greatness to bestow it upon me.  
EB: but there will be a day that i get it, i guarantee you!  
TG: im looking forward to the day  
TG: save a space next to your 'won the affection of millions' trophy  
TG: i wouldve figured the line of people on your doorstep wrapping around your neighborhood wouldve brought enough attention on you  
TG: but i guess not  
TG: fucking media is oblivious  
TG: what does it take  
EB: maybe i need to, like, get married to some celebrity.  
EB: and then cheat on them.  
TG: ohhhhh thats an idea  
EB: it might drop me a few names on the list for the nobel peace prize, but it'll get me into the spotlight for sure!  
TG: thats some fine thinking right there john  
TG: im taking notes as we speak  
TG: youre an icon for the limelight for sure  
TG: i wont exploit your plan to the world once you make it i promise  
EB: thanks, dave.  
EB: you're such a great partner in crime.  
EB: but who would i marry?  
EB: and who would i have the affair with?  
TG: okay well you need to shoot for the stars dude  
TG: go big or go home  
TG: you gotta make a fucking statement like pick a dude famous people coming out is a huge thing  
TG: like nic cage that way itll be gay AND illegal  
TG: two birds one stone  
TG: bam  
EB: well, i don't know.  
EB: i don't want to play nic cage like that!  
TG: shit i shouldve known you were gonna say that  
TG: i thought you wouldve totally bit with the nic cage idea but thats a good point  
TG: okay um  
TG: how about someone more legal and famous like the twins from the suite life of zack and cody  
TG: date both at the same time  
TG: BIGGER statement  
TG: fuck im on a roll  
EB: do i have to date a guy?  
EB: or two guys?  
TG: well it was just a thought it can be anyone dude just someone big enough to give you that attention  
TG: and then the cheatings gonna be that final blow  
TG: knock that shit right out of the water  
EB: yeah, i guess you're right.  
EB: we're geniuses.  
EB: when i finally win the nobel peace prize, i'll take you to the ceremony as my plus one.  
TG: ill be honored to be your plus one for our work of genius  
TG: thanks dude  
TG: i think im tearing up a little  
TG: got a little something in my eye  
TG: i think its success  
EB: of course it is  
EB: we're going to be practically swimming in all of our success when the operation is done!  
TG: you know it  
TG: were doing this man  
TG: were making this shit happen  
EB: hell yeah we are!  
EB: and maybe we can finally get those stalkers lining down the block to piss off in the process.  
EB: or maybe there will be more, accounting my growth in fame...  
TG: theyll probably piss off  
TG: well maybe not i think you have a point there  
TG: theyve already seen your days before fame got to your head  
TG: they know the real john and once you go aware you can't go back man  
TG: youre stuck with those aware assholes  
EB: dammit!  
EB: just when i thought they'd leave me alone.  
TG: theyre not bothering you or anything just a minor inconvenience  
TG: just think of it this way when youre basking in game pictures of that crowd are gonna surface  
TG: and everyones gonna be like yo that john guys a really big deal  
TG: which you are  
TG: so itll only build more success man  
TG: so many sick fires  
EB: hmm. i guess they can't be that bad.  
EB: hey, and when i'm famous, i can finally launch your career!  
EB: as a rapper or a photographer or something.  
TG: who the fuck knows dude  
TG: ill be working on my sweet ass photography and bam sweet bro and hella jeff hits the charts  
TG: theres no telling  
EB: you're like a triple threat!  
TG: or i can be known as the guy who started the EB fan club before youre famous  
TG: quadruple threat  
TG: theyre gonna try to exploit me left and right  
EB: god, think of all the scandals we'll be involved in!  
TG: so many fucking scandals john  
TG: theyre gonna zoom in on a picture of that mob by your house and wait, whos that?  
TG: is TG, president of the john egbert fan club, in that line?  
TG: oh shit someone alert the media  
TG: and them bam  
TG: the headlines are gonna be all 'secret relationship between john and fan club president' and theres the rest of our plan in the palms of our hands  
TG: you don't even have to cheat on the twins everyone just thinks you will  
EB: i guess you're right.  
EB: the president of the fanclub and the man who tore apart my double marriage.  
EB: it's perfect.  
TG: its flawless  
TG: the ultimate plan is ready  
EB: we just have to find the perfect time to put it in action.  
EB: that could be years.  
TG: whatever thats nothing  
TG: we could just go to california and hit up whatever famous person we see first  
TG: chances are they have at least one of their numbers  
EB: yeah, i guess you're right.  
EB: i mean, you usually are right about setting up diabolic plans and i am an esteemed prankster!   
TG: at least my diabolical plan reputation is known  
TG: im rubbing my hands together diabolically as we speak  
EB: should i rub my hands together diabolically too?  
TG: of course youre like james bond right now but cooler  
TG: youre so cool you could be a strider  
EB: wow, you really think so?  
EB: hey, is this your way of proposing to me?  
TG: you got me dude  
TG: just got on my knee  
TG: shit im popping the big question on fucking pesterchum  
TG: and they say chivalrys dead  
EB: obviously it isn't!  
EB: of course i'll marry you, dave.  
TG: thank you john  
EB: are we going to hyphenate or are am i going to take your last name?  
EB: i would suggest you take mine, but i don't think your ego would allow for that.  
TG: hey my ego has exceptions  
EB: alright, sure.  
EB: but you asked me to be a strider.  
EB: or said i could be one.  
EB: same thing.  
TG: so the hyphen things gonna work then  
TG: itll be great  
TG: see were meeting each other in the middle already this marriage is gonna be awesome  
TG: were such a good pair  
EB: i know!  
EB: we're going to be the ultimate power couple.  
TG: geez man the media isnt ready for us yet  
TG: were too powerful  
EB: we top out all the other and probably more heterosexual couples!  
TG: wow egbert thats a shit ton of power were so strong  
TG: other couples tremble before us  
TG: and rightfully so we earned our title  
EB: yep!  
EB: our future is as bright as can be.  
TG: i always knew that  
TG: why else would i wear shades all the time  
EB: oh, shoot!  
EB: does this mean i need some cool shades too?  
TG: i shipped them to you yesterday im way ahead of you  
TG: should be getting them soon  
TG: power couples match all the time were so on the ball  
EB: aww, we have matching shades?  
TG: i wouldnt settle for anything else  
TG: its gonna be so fucking cute john  
TG: the world cant handle it  
EB: they're all going to squeal about how perfect we are together.  
EB: we're going to be cheesy as hell and it'll be adorable!  
TG: so fucking adorable  
TG: yo just the thought of this scheme is enough to make them all combust  
EB: they aren't even going to have enough time to blog about how much of a blessed match we are before they're set aflame.  
TG: theyre gonna be such sick fires bro  
TG: gonna roast so many fucking marshmallows  
TG: itll be so morbidly delicious  
TG: fuck lets make smores  
EB: man, i love s'mores!  
EB: we've got it all.  
EB: matching shades, matching last names, nation wide adoration, and s'mores to top it all off!  
TG: damn we don't even need the master plan anymore  
TG: if anything earned fame will be the topping on the cake  
TG: the gorgeous cake of fucking life dude  
TG: in all its glory  
TG: our glory?  
TG: well it's our life cake so i guess  
TG: gonna be delicious  
EB: the one cake worth eating.  
EB: or living in.  
EB: or what ever.  
TG: it wont be betty crocker either just the way you like it  
TG: the good shit  
EB: you really do know me!  
EB: this is why we're getting married.  
TG: strictly because of my knowledge of your preference of baked goods  
TG: the other reasons are purely coincidental  
EB: what else do i need in a husband?  
TG: i mean the dashing good looks is already handled so i think that covers it  
TG: weve got ourselves a match made in heaven  
TG: youre gonna make such a great bride  
TG: we can adopt poor kids from africa to look good in the public  
TG: mommy egbert and daddy strider   
EB: why am i mommy?   
EB: you know i’m a dude, dude.   
TG: because im your daddy  
EB: dave!!!  
TG: oh come on i know you like calling me daddy all guys with daddy issues like calling other guys daddy  
TG: except me i like being called daddy  
TG: wouldnt it be fucking weird if i got off on calling other guys bro  
TG: like what the fuck kinda kink is that  
TG: bro kink  
TG: bromance  
TG: brodange  
TG: shit that was good write that one down egbert  
EB: that wasn't terrible!  
EB: good on you, dave  
TG: i dont want your sass right now john  
EB: that wasn't sass! it was actually a good joke!  
EB: we should go into stand up together.   
EB: it’ll be another layer of our fame!!   
EB: god, we’re such a good match.   
TG: what is this  
TG: is this a second proposal  
TG: ‘is johnathan egbert, resident twink, actually married to a man, perhaps a homosexual’  
EB: pssh.   
EB: obviously not.   
EB: how ridiculous.   
EB: but really, stand-up duo.   
EB: we’d be unstoppable if our grand scheme fails.  
EB: just you and me together.   
TG: that was cute  
TG: oh damn  
TG: rose is going to have a field day with this  
TG: and those egbertian fangirls on tumblr are already writing slash fanfic about us now  
TG: boy x boy yaoi dont like dont read  
EB: do not tell rose this propaganda.   
EB: wait, do you read yaoi fanfictions?  
TG: thats besides the point john  
TG: all that matters is that there will now be numerous pieces of fiction which portray you craving my downstairs dingaling  
TG: perhaps it is not all fiction  
TG: do you crave my soda pop can of meaty magic  
TG: is that what you were dreaming about last night  
TG: were you overcome with meteoric greed for my crotch-dachshund  
EB; oh my god.  
EB: stop.  
EB: we are not changing the subject to your dick.   
TG: yes we are johnathan  
TG: i bet you love it when i call you johnathan  
TG: have you entered the bone zone now  
TG: is it all spooky skeleton skeletons up in this bitch  
EB: i do not get boners over text on a screen.  
EB: especially red text.  
EB: as in text typed by you  
EB: gosh, you're so gay.  
TG: you know it  
TG: but how gay can it get  
TG: maybe i have a bro kink for you egderp  
TG: ‘fuck bro compliment me harder like you never did in my childhood’  
TG: ‘youre such a fucking good brother dave and i really cherish every waking moment of being around you’  
TG: im getting hard just thinking about it oh boy  
TG: and then ill come buckets because hot damn  
TG: dude john compliment me lets see what happens  
EB: you’re beautiful.   
TG: i just jizzed all over the place  
TG: do you want me to do this to you  
TG: have you shaking at my virtual hand  
TG: give you all of my cummies  
TG: are you swooning yet my heterosexual companion  
EB: yes. i am aroused. that is what i am right now.   
EB: let me send you all these nudes right now.   
TG: goddamn really  
TG: i think im in love with you  
EB: i know.  
TG: but like for real  
TG: if you actually send me nudes ill be ready to marry you  
EB: i’ve never taken any before.  
EB: i could snap some.   
TG: wait really  
TG: this isnt a mean spirited prank right  
TG: is ashton kutcher gonna jump out from my closet and yell ‘punkd’  
TG: and then ill realize this apple juice i’ve been chugging is actually piss  
TG: and goddamn i will think ‘john has done it again that son of a gun’  
TG: let the live studio audience laugh at daves expense now  
EB: pfffft.   
EB: i would send you nudes, but i feel like that would really rift our friendship.   
TG: so date me  
EB: what?   
TG: date me and give me those nudes.  
TG: i get to be with my crush of couple years and see his dick too its a win win situation  
EB: wait what?  
TG: i wanna see your dick keep up  
EB: no, about the crush thing.  
TG: oh yeah im like in love with you its chill  
EB: wow. ok.   
EB: i don’t know, is that a good idea? are you just dating me for nudes because that seems a little shallow.   
TG: well fuck  
EB: good fuck or bad fuck?   
TG: i mean its like a fuck in the hell yeah boi sense  
TG: so a good fuck i guess  
TG: like me  
TG: goddamn do you still have your notepad that was fire write that down  
EB: roger that.  
EB: but are we actually like, dating now?   
EB: or is this another prank?   
EB: or am i pranking you inside a prank?   
EB: maybe this is a three-layer prank!!   
EB: this is almost as complicated as your irony.   
TG: whoah dude nothing is as complicated as my irony  
TG: ex fucking cuse you  
TG: but like  
TG: i mean fuck yeah man were a power couple now  
TG: if you wanna actually date me thatd be even more drama stacked on the table  
TG: so are you in  
TG: are you ready to be my real boyfriend  
EB: is this a genuine proposal?   
TG: yeah pretty fucking genuine  
TG: its like the opposite of every liberal news channel  
TG: damn you believe i shoved my political views into asking you out  
EB: honestly, i wouldn’t ever have put that past you.   
TG: alright fair  
TG: so like  
TG: hows it going now  
TG: boyfriends  
EB: boyfriends.   
TG: well gee whiz we finally reached our happy ending  
TG: and you finally came out.  
TG: so you have been lying all this time and you are  
TG: in a way  
TG: homosexual  
EB: i guess.  
EB: i don't wanna think about it, really.  
EB: i don't feel very gay.  
TG: not even for me  
EB: i mean i'm gay for you  
EB: i think.  
EB: i mean i know.  
EB: what ever!!  
EB: i guess you were right kinda.  
EB: also i do like being called johnathan.  
EB: it makes me feel like a gentlemanly gentleman.   
EB: so you were right about that, too.  
TG: what about you calling me daddy  
TG: was i right about that too  
EB: i don't know you tell me  
EB: daddy.  
TG: i  
TG: oh  
TG: um  
TG: i was not expecting this  
EB: yeah, i don't know why i did that.  
EB: i think it was mostly a joke. don’t take it so seriously.   
TG: i dunno john  
TG: you made my gilantaneous solid hunk tingle  
EB: one day you will run out of terrible euphemisms for dicks.  
TG: do you bet your pieced together rice farm featuring corned beef on it  
EB: every time i think it'll stop it just keeps going.  
TG: does it make your fruitopia soaked icing filled sausage feel good  
EB: dave, if i hear one worse than that i'm never going to send you nudes ever.  
TG: .....please send nudes first  
TG: preferably  
TG: but be careful man you don’t want the paparazzi to get ahold of them and spread them on every interface of the internet man thatd be horrible  
TG: ‘who is residential homosexual john egbert sending pictures of his penis to’  
TG: no one knows itll be great  
TG: maybe theyll think youre cheating on me  
TG: oh man thats an entire other layer of drama holy shit  
EB: dave, shut up.   
EB: we literally just confessed our mutual attraction not even five minutes ago in the form of a slight joke.   
EB: but fine!  
EB: are you ready?  
EB: are you truly prepared  
TG: god yes  
TG: please johnathan  
EB: ok!!   
EB: here they come.  
  
\--  ectoBiologist [EB]  wants to send insertbadeuphemism.jpg --  
  
TG: i  
TG: wow  
TG: those are real nudes  
EB: oh god were you not serious?  
EB: that'd be embarrassing as fuck.  
TG: i wasnt expecting you to be serious  
TG: but i mean  
TG: i appreciate these  
TG: i appreciate these a lot  
EB: so.  
EB: are you going to like....  
EB: send me some nudes?  
EB: or is this a one way street here?  
TG: do you really want them i mean  
TG: im not really all that good looking  
EB: i think you are.  
EB: like really good looking.  
EB: like whoah damn!!  
EB: gotta buy my own pair of shades just to look at you.  
EB: good thing you shipped those matching ones to me.   
EB: because you're just that hot.  
EB: that was fucking stupid.  
EB: forget i said that.  
TG: that was  
TG: oh wow that was smooth  
TG: like smoother than your ass which is like oh boy  
TG: its really smooth  
EB: shut up and send me a picture of your dick, dammit.  
TG: okay um  
  
\--  turntechGodhead [TG]  wants to send ohmygoshimsorryimuglyhelp.jpg --  
  


EB: you're not ugly!!  
EB: and your dick is nice.  
EB: i'm sorry i don't know how to compliment a dick.  
TG: thanks i mean  
TG: your dick is a lot nicer and um  
TG: well i think im bigger  
EB: okay.  
EB: maybe.  
EB: what ever.  
EB: they're just dicks.  
EB: size doesn't matter.  
EB: or whatever.  
TG: i mean  
TG: i think it does because like  
TG: i dont wanna deepthroat a giant metaphysical footlong meat supreme  
EB: that's it you're never getting a dick pic again.  
TG: can i get your actual $1.25 pepperoni mega size cut in half stick  
EB: dave you're just making this worse.  
TG: please johnathan  
TG: you love my analogies  
EB: honestly you're right.  
EB: i'm hard as hell right now.  
EB: every analogy you send strengthens my boner.  
EB: i have ridden straight into bone zone.   
TG: i figured  
TG: of course your poptropica banned pony-shishkabob gets frazzled about my analogies  
EB: oh, gosh, keep going.  
EB: this is sexy as fuck, strider.  
TG: babe you can ride my roast beef covered surfboard anytime you want  
EB: i don't think i've ever been so aroused.  
TG: sarcasm huh  
EB: nope. not at all. i am completely enamored by your bad penis euphemisms.   
TG: thank you  
EB: you're welcome, i guess.  
EB: but in all honesty, dave, this whole experience would be about 10x normaler if you used the word dick.  
TG: thats against my religion  
EB: your what??  
TG: my religion  
EB: what religion.  
TG: the religion thats mine  
TG: this is my religion  
TG: i made all by myself  
TG: its a little broken  
TG: but its still good  
TG: yeah  
TG: still good  
EB: are you quoting lilo and stich?  
TG: its a good movie man  
EB: okay, well, yeah.  
EB: but can you seriously not say the word dick.  
EB: dude.  
TG: i dont want to  
EB: at least say penis.  
TG: no  
TG: make me  
EB: please, daddy.  
TG: damnit fuck  
TG: i  
TG: this isnt fair johnathan  
EB: pretty please?  
TG: ....fine  
TG: do you want some of this  
TG: dick  
TG: baby boy  
EB: oh jeez i'm laughing this is so awkward!!  
EB: why is dick on it's own separate line?  
TG: its special  
TG: i wanted to make sure the two small spheres tinted blue in your face could see it  
TG: i wont say it again  
EB: what a special moment.  
EB: i screen shotted it to save it forever.  
TG: wait are you serious  
TG: uh dude  
TG: youre gonna ruin my reputation  
EB: i screenshoted it to save it forever.  
EB: you know what? i'm messaging rose right now.  
EB: i'm gonna tell her all about your daddy kink.  
TG: EGBERT  
TG: DONT  
EB: who's gonna stop me?  
TG: if you do ill never suck your large spherical peanut  
EB: oh, damn.  
EB: that's harsh.  
TG: damn straight it is  
EB: fine, i won't tell rose.  
TG: thanks uh  
TG: you want some sick beats as gratitude  
EB: oh no, more lame beats.  
EB: jk, i wanna hear them!!  
EB: they're probably lame though.  
TG: my beats are always sick man  
TG: okay  
TG: i got a bro whos my ho  
TG: hes my sun dont ya kno  
TG: i wanna hug him and love him  
TG: and maybe suck his sausage  
TG: but he wont love me because  
TG: he does like the word sausage  
TG: word  
EB: dave, i've so honored.  
EB: i finally get to star as your bitch in your bad raps.  
TG: *good raps  
TG: and yeah you do  
TG: because youre my bitch  
TG: bitch  
EB: gosh, do i ever love being degraded.  
EB: a tell all sign of a healthy budding relationship!  
TG: kinky  
TG: i love degrading you  
EB: what a fortunate twist of events!  
TG: yeah  
TG:also fuck your sarcasm  
TG: considering this is sarcasm right  
EB: decide for yourself.  
TG: ....im gonna go with 'no'  
TG: besides i cant degrade you the press will be all over that  
TG: ‘is resident twink johnathan strider-egbert being abused by his husband, photographer, movie director, rapper, and president of the john egbert fanclub, dave strider-egbert?’   
TG: and youll testify against me for my money  
TG: then fly off with our african children to like costa rica   
TG: maybe youll go to the island where tupac is and live it up with him  
TG: but plot twist you start fucking tupac then he starts abusing you   
TG: itll be my revenge from beyond the grave  
TG: on the topic of degradation though  
TG: before you leave me for tupac  
TG: you down to fuck  
EB: it's your class i love most about you, really.  
TG: i guarantee im the classiest fucker on the internet  
EB: i don't doubt it.  
EB: anyways.  
EB: i'm always down.  
TG: so like  
TG: are we using webcam or  
TG: like snapchat  
EB: oh.  
EB: i don't know.   
EB: we're actually doing this?  
EB: what would you rather do?  
TG: id rather be there with you  
TG: sliding my juicy preloin steak against yours  
EB: i thought this was going in a good direction for a solid ten seconds.  
EB: i hate you.  
TG: i love you baby  
EB: you're actually the worst.  
TG: so in the worst if i say i want to have my dick in your mouth and i want you to let me fuck it like its a bad porno  
TG: hello mrs egbert   
TG: the sexy single housewife only dressed in a silken robe   
TG: your large extra sausage pizza is here and i dont even care that you cant pay because this delivery boy has another idea  
TG: are you getting hot and bothered yet baby   
EB: well, at least you didn't say juicy preloin steak.  
EB: this is a start, dave.  
EB: so are we going to, um…   
EB: sext? is that what we call it?   
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah we can sext  
TG: i know all about sexting  
EB: obviously.  
TG: i sext for days  
EB: uh-huh.  
TG: yeah its like  
TG: everyone wants a piece of me  
TG: mostly ladies  
TG: but i scare them off with how sick i am  
EB: oh, wow.  
EB: boy, am i ever excited to sext dave strider.  
EB: i’m shivering in anticipation as we speak.  
TG: you should be  
TG: my sexting skills are rumoured far and wide   
TG: everyone wished to witness the brilliance between the lines of my skilled seductive words   
TG: what can i say im just a cool dude   
TG: feel honored man because youre about to get an eyeful of such sexily strung words you’ll pop a hard on in a split second   
TG: dont feel bad if you arent as good as i am no one really is  
EB: well, alright, you seductress.   
EB: if you're so good at sexting,  
EB: then sext me. let's see what you've got. i'm prepared.  
TG: okay man  
TG: so like  
TG: to set the scene um  
TG: It’s a nice summers day. The breeze made the air just cool enough that it was refreshing, not the freezing cold you were used to in Washington. You turned a corner on your way home, excited for what would happen tonight.  
TG: alright your turn  
EB: dave.  
EB: i feel like this is getting too in depth.  
TG: really  
TG: i thought i wasnt descriptive enough  
EB: i thought sexting was like.  
EB: sex.  
TG: oh  
TG: well this is like  
TG: foreplay  
TG: you cant have sex without foreplay you daft fool  
TG: do you know who youre talking to   
EB: ok, christ, fine.  
EB: i'm just saying.  
TG: gotta make it real you know  
EB: alright, i got you.  
EB: i think...  
EB: give me a second!  
EB: i need to think of something to respond with.  
TG: take your time babe  
EB: ok, i got this.  
EB: You (i?? i don't know ugh) got home in record time, to actually have sex, the entire point of sexting. Wowie wow.  
EB: i'm pretty proud of that.  
TG: youre kind of a dick you know  
EB: haha, yeah.  
TG: so  
TG: You come home and see me. I’m naked on a bed made out of roses. Actual roses with thorns. There’s blood everywhere and I am in pain.  
EB: I scream, but you cannot be saved. There are thorns everywhere. Blood is flowing. You die before either of us can ever fuck. A true tragedy.  
TG: alright then   
TG: that went well  
TG: you couldve used a little more pizazz in your choice of adjectives but youll probably get better with time   
EB: dave.  
TG: john  
EB: david.  
TG: yes johnathan  
EB: you're kind of annoying.  
TG: but its hot right  
EB: eh.   
TG: is our relationship failing already  
EB: the only thing holding us together is your dick.  
TG: only my dick  
TG: not yours  
EB: i know.  
EB: it hurts to live with the knowledges you own the superior dick.  
EB: but i'll manage with my woes.  
TG: dont worry man   
TG: just say the word and my proportioned sushi roll special is yours  
EB: oh, dear daddy strider, let me slob on your corn on the cob.  
TG: fuck yeah thats the good stuff  
TG: come on keep going my pepsi infused slab is in my hand  
TG: i wish it was your hand  
EB: me too.  
EB: dave, i want you to fuck me with your pump action yogurt shot gun.  
TG: fuck yeah i will  
TG: damnit john im close  
EB: oh gosh, so am i.  
EB: the mere thought of your dna rifle.  
TG: do you really want my spam porpoise in your ass  
EB: shoot that cocksicle all up in me like a rocket pop, dave.  
TG: oh fuck john  
TG: i just came  
EB: im almost...  
EB: there i did too.  
EB: we're the sexiest couple.  
EB: it is us.  
TG: you were sarcastic about cumming  
TG: werent you  
EB: dave.  
EB: did.  
EB: did you.  
TG: lets change the subject  
EB: oh my god.  
TG: look edgebert  
TG: respect your daddy  
EB: pfft. as if.   
TG: now  
TG: if you wont mind me  
TG: i need to clean my computer screen  
EB: jesus christ. EB: i can't believe you got off on something so dumb.  
EB: i feel cheated.  
TG: babe i get off to everything about you  
EB: that is very romantic.  
TG: i know right  
TG: im a swimming romantic  
TG: just take up and flip me inside out all my romance will come falling the fuck out like its niagra falls in this bitch  
TG: thats how rom com i am  
EB: i am swooning.  
EB: actually swooning right now.  
EB: it's incredible.  
EB: i can feel the romance radiating through the screen.  
TG: aw babe  
EB: yeah, i know.  
EB: but honestly, dave, can i get one serious round of sexting out of you?  
TG: you can try  
EB: it's not gonna happen, is it?  
TG: john i love you  
TG: but hell no  
TG: i mean  
TG: i know how to sext but  
TG: hypothetically  
TG: if i didnt  
TG: what would you do  
EB: um..  
EB: oh, gosh. i don't know.  
EB: haha, i never thought about leading something like this...  
TG: do you know how to sext   
TG: i mean obviously i do  
TG: im such a cool dude  
TG: heh  
EB: you don't know how to sext, do you?  
TG: no i do not  
EB: of course.  
EB: i'm gonna look up a wikihow article, hold on  
TG: thanks man  
EB: okay i'm looking for the both of us.  
TG: wait  
TG: shit  
TG: really the both of us   
TG: i thought you like  
TG: had a bunch of girlfriends  
TG: but im not sure how  
TG: youre a fucking nerd  
EB: haha, i guess girls like that kinda thing!!  
EB: nerd is the new jock, dave.  
TG: im neither just the coolest  
TG: i think your nerdy shit is hot too  
TG: not like your actual shit  
TG: like poop  
TG: not like scat kink stuff  
TG: but like  
TG: fuck  
EB: i know.  
EB: you're making it worse.  
EB: just shut up.  
TG: yeah thats a good idea  
EB: ugh, i’m still reading wikihow articles!  
EB: i have to delete my history before my dad sees all these articles about sexting.  
EB: that is a conversation i really don't want to have...  
TG: im going to email your dad and tell him about your websearch history  
EB: i swear to god, dave.  
TG: i will do it  
TG: just uh  
TG: give me his email  
EB: oh, as if.   
EB: i'm the one being kind enough to educate myself on sexting for the both of us.  
EB: it's hard finding good tutorials on this web site.   
TG: you could like  
TG: webcam  
EB: i mean.  
EB: yeah.  
EB: do you wanna?  
EB: i'm scared of the awkwardness...  
TG: i mean if youre up for it  
EB: i'm down if you are.  
EB: or up.   
EB: what ever.  
TG: yeah cool uh  
TG: do i need to like  
TG: shave or  
TG: nevermind  
TG: im a man  
EB: you're fine, you doof.  
TG: thanks uh  
TG: i need to get the cam from bro so  
TG: brb  
EB: oh, ok!  
EB: i'll be here.  
TG: okay im back  
TG: i got it  
EB: are you ready to like.  
EB: you know.  
TG: mutually masturbate  
TG: and dirty talk maybe  
EB: uh, yeah!  
EB: that.  
TG: hell yeah okay um  
TG: wow this camera is hard to set up  
TG: and possibly rigged because i stole it so like  
TG: if you get puppet sex  
TG: dont be surprised  
EB: i don't want to see it.  
EB: but i can probably stomach it if it happens.  
TG: i cant honestly  
TG: oh wait there we go  
TG: ready?  
EB: yeah. i think i am.  
TG: alright sweet  
  
  
\--  turntechGodhead [TG]  is requesting a video chat! -- 

  
  


John actually jolted back from the screen a little in surprise. He wasn’t expecting Dave to call him so abrupt because, jeez, that was quick. He still wasn’t even sure what he was doing, with Dave, or with this call. He swallowed back his self consciousness. He glanced at his semi-cracked door, and fixed his hair in the reflection of his monitor before he answered the call. 

He was met with nothing. Just.. darkness and scuffling noises. He blinked and opened his mouth to ask Dave if the webcam was working right when he turned it on, and adjusted it at an angle where his whole body was shown on his bed. "Yo, John, can you see and hear me?" 

"Yep! Shit, sorry I’m on a desktop, I guess that makes this a little more awkward for me..” he chuckled, nervously picking at his cuticles. He sat back in his seat and glanced behind himself again, “So… Wait, you can see and hear me too, right? I guess should’ve asked that first.”

"Uh, yeah I can," He chuckled a little nervously, running a hand through his light hair. "Uh, so yeah. How do you want me?" He joked.

He laughed half-heartedly in response, more to try and clear the awkward air than anything else. He was totally prepared to be laughed out of hearth and home. “Jeez, I don’t know,” he said, “This is just really... Weird? I dunno. You look good. Not in, like, a sexual way or anything. Not that you aren’t sexy, or that this isn't. It’s just, shit, look- you look good. You know what I mean.”

Dave coughed into his fist, and even with the grainy image of the camera, John could see the red tinge of his cheeks. "Yeah... you look good too. Like, in a sexy way and stuff. Real sexy. And, you're hair looks soft... ah fuck, just... let's get started?" 

There was a short silence. John guessed it was reassuring to know that Dave was as awkward-ish for all his “babes” like how John was, too, self-conscious in spite of all his “daddying.” He guessed the both of them just had to try and make the best of this situation. And since Dave didn’t look like he wanted to say much, John cleared his throat and blew out an airy breath. 

“Soooo,” he started eloquently, “Um. Thank you, also! Your hair is nice too," he coughed to cut himself off before he got to rambling, "Okay, uh, how should we start? I know we’ve got to strip, y’know, eventually, but I don’t think we do that right away. The WikiHow articles didn’t prep me all that much.” And, well, he rambled anyways. Of course, ”Any ideas?”

"Well... we can't really kiss, disappointingly, I mean, who wouldn't want to kiss this gorgeous face?" He didnt wait for John to answer, and he hardly had a chance to even open his mouth. "But... strip show?"

John shrugged, toying with the bottom hem of his shirt. “I, for one, would definitely want to kiss you,” he told him, firstly. Dave scoffed. “As for a strip tease, well, I don’t know how great it’ll be, considering I’ve never given one. But I can sure as hell try!”

Really, he had tried once or twice, for himself, just to see if there was a way to be prepared for sexing it up without actually sexing it up. But he was fumble-y, and looked uncomfortable, and he was excruciating nervous contrary to the smile stretched wide over his face. Dave seemed to buy it, and he laughed a little at John’s apparent enthusiasm.

"Well since you're so excited, you first," He leaned forward to watch closer, biting his tongue between his teeth. John swallowed and ran his finger along the seam of his shirt, wrinkling the cotton between his fingers. 

“Well, sadly I did not read a WikiHow article on strip shows, but..” he adjusted his webcam a little and slid his chair backwards a little. He bit the inside of his cheek, feeling less embarrassed and more ridiculous as time dragged on. He knew laughing would “kill the mood,” but it was difficult to restrain himself as he took of his shirt as slow off as humanly fucking possible. This was dumb. He was dumb. And Dave blew a puff of breath in impatience. 

"Dude, can you go a little faster?" Dave said, and John got redder. Dave recoiled a little, obviously noticing through the better camera quality and well-lit room. He cleared his throat and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I-I mean, shit, take your time..." 

He tossed his shirt on the ground with a roll of his eyes, trying not to look as offset as he was. At least he was trying, right? In despite of his shortcomings with anything remotely sexual? “There. Happy, Mr. No Time For This?” he reprimanded him, “Here, take something off, loser. Show me your glistening 8-pack, Strider.”

"Here John, get the fuck ready for the best fucking cam session of your life. You got Dave Strider, up close and personal, about to guide you into fucking your brains out," Dave sat up a little more, his face just that much out of the shot as he pulled his shirt over his head before dropping back down, “Tada. Like what’cha see? I’m pretty damn ripped, I know.” 

John snorted. Dave was gangly. He has muscularity, but he was still all angles, and he hardly had an anything-pack. But he was nice-looking, John’d give that to him. And he could tell that Dave was doing more to keep up his appearances than relying on a fast metabolism. He was an attractive person. John was indeed attracted to him. And he was staring. 

John made an over-exaggerated effeminate sound and put the back of his hand to his forward. “Oh, lord, Dave. Do you see this right now? This is swooning.”

“Hey, baby, I know it,” he said with a grin, “I get ladies and gents swooning on the streets every other day. I’m pretty used to it by now. Like, damn, watch out for Strider when it’s hot outside. The faint of heart may get too overwhelmed and just straight up collapse on the concrete.” 

John dropped his hand and rolled his eyes at Dave’s spiel. “Alright, Strider, if you’re so confident, you can start. Say something sexy. Wow me with your sex appeal and outlandishly good dirty talking skills."

Dave looked up from his pose. "Well... Johnathan," he said his name slowly, stalling for time. "...I'm gonna pump my 12 inch chair leg schlong while you pump your 4 inch river basked banana,"

John giggled. “Oh my god, shut up. Take off your pants or something, nerd-o,” he said, unbuttoning and kicking off his khaki shorts, “Also, Dave, you needn’t take care of your 12 inch chairleg shlong on your own. I will step up to the task of taking care of your pepperoni cheese-filled log of pleasure myself.”

Dave couldn't help but giggle. "Shut the fuck up, man, my diamond encrusted ejaculator is already too hard," He took off his black skinny jeans. His thighs looked a little banged up. "Besides, are you gonna reach right through the computer screen?"

“But of course, Strider, because I prayed to God every night to be able to jack off Dave Strider’s high pressure vein cane,” he wiggled his fingers and eyebrows simultaneously, “I'm going to fly down to Texas and swallow down your throbbing ten gallon hat.” 

“Would you swallow when I'm done?” 

“Who would I be if I didn't?” John asked, perking an eyebrow, “But, for now,” he took a breath and bit the inside of his cheek to stop from breaking into another bout of laughter, “Bare your dongle, daddy.”

Dave couldn't take it and he hid his face in his hands, giggling. "Goddamnit John."

John started laughing too. "I knew we wouldn't be able to take this seriously."

"N-No, I can take this seriously," He wiped a tear from his eye under his shades melodramatically. "You take off your piece of cloth covering your purity first,"

"No! You do it. I'm too nervous," he said through his ongoing laughter, "You do it, daddy Strider, c'mon."

“You calling me daddy isn’t helping," Dave said, but he couldn't pull off being genuinely upset if he tried. He pulled down his boxers slowly, making sure John had a good view of his semi-hard dick.

His breath hitched for a fraction of a second before he started talking. "Yep, that's sure a dick," John clarified, taking a few deep breaths to stop his laughing before exhaling. He wasn’t trying to laugh at Dave’s dick, because it was a good dick! But he was just… god, he was infected with the giggles now. This was absolutely surreal. He was totally slaughtering the mood. "Okay. Okay." He almost ended up falling into hysterics again, but he managed to control himself enough to actually manage to strip all the way down.

"This isn’t working, you fucking prick," Dave said, but John could tell he found it funny as hell, too. "Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry!" he cried, laughing into his fist, "okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop. Do you want me to call you 'daddy' some more?"

"...Yes," He said begrudgingly, face contorted into some begrudging half-pout. It was cute. "And... do we just start or like do we gotta do some kind of ritual?"

John shrugged. "I dunno, daddy, you're the one in control here," he flashed him a grin, "It's up to you."

Really, Dave’s newfound title of “daddy” was mostly bullshit. It was… weird, but hey, people like what they like. John just really didn’t want to lead anything of this sort. He wouldn’t know how. He was hoping for the life of him that Dave could act dominant. Or, at least, more collected than he was. 

"I fucking hate you," He breathed and sat back. He hummed, and lightly clapped his fingers in front of his mouth. "As daddy... I fully demand you start."

John stuck his tongue out at Dave, childishly. “That’s not fair!” he complained, “You can’t tell me what to do, you know.”

"Yes I can," Dave said, sounding unsure. John hadn’t even meant to play a part, he’d genuinely wanted to try and win Dave’s favor by whining, but he guessed whatever worked, well, worked. "Do it or... I'll bake you a cake..."

John stared at him in in horror a few seconds before bursting out in another fit of giggles. "Dave, oh my god, what the fuck," he said through his laughter, clasping a hand over his mouth and drawing a half-risen knee to his chest, “Dave--,” 

“I was being your dad! Don't laugh at me!" He sat up. "You're disrespecting my parenting!"

"I didn't want you to act like my actual dad, stupid!" he couldn't stop the giggles now, they were like a disease, "I'm sorry-- oh my gosh-- Dave, you just gotta act dominant-- oh my god I can't stop fucking laughing--,"

"...This was a bad idea," He moaned, laying down and hiding his face in his hands. "This was such a shit idea. I don't know kinky things. I'm like, twelve."

"Dave, you know way more kinky stuff than I do, probably!” he said, which was probably the weirdest statement he’d ever used to try and comfort someone. He coughed and steadied his breath slowly, "Nevermind. Come on, don't give up. Please, daddy?"

"...Okay. What do you want me to call you?" Dave ran a hand down his face. 

"I don't know. Sappy shit. Stupid nicknames. You'll think of something, I'm sure," John smiled encouragingly. Or, at least, what he hoped was encouraging. "It's not that hard."

He refrained from making a dick joke, but Dave snickered like he hadn't resisted.

"...Alright, you Zoosmell Pooplord, I’m gonna fuck your brains out."

John’s cheeks hurt from laughing by now. He covered his mouth with his hand. “Come on, Dave, let’s do this before my real dad gets home.” 

"Okay, sorry baby boy, thats my last joke, I promise," His smirk softened and he laid back again. "So... just watch me, okay? And touch yourself. Definitely do that."

John blinked and slowly found himself nodding. So. Genuine dirty talk now. That was sure something, and not what he was expecting. "That... works," he said. He tacked on a rushed, "Yes, daddy," before obeying, reaching down to wrap a hand around his dick, glancing down quickly before back up at Dave. 

Dave bit his lip. It was weird to think, John knew, but he he couldn’t help but entertain and get off on the thought Dave liked watching him do this. Usually, he was a minute or two at most, but now he felt like doing something specialer. He leaned back a bit in his chair, trying his best not to feel hesitant, and closed his eyes. Dave was here to watch him, and aside from the static he heard from the speakers, Dave’s breath was steady and heavy and it prompted him onward. 

He swallowed, his fingers squeezing lightly, and he said in an almost-whisper, “Dave,” and heard his immediate scramble on the other end. John had never seen himself as expressly attractive, but now Dave was blushing and fumbling and touching himself to the thought of him and it felt good. Better than good. “Daddy, say…” 

“Say what?” he asked you, voice hoarse. It felt good to know you were getting to him. 

“Say something,” he hitched his leg up over the armrest of his desk chair, and Dave made a strained sort of noise. He twisted his fingers and swiped his thumb over the head and made a high keening noise in the back of his throat. 

“Fuck, John,” Dave muttered, “God, you’re hot.” 

John’s glasses were sliding down his nose, and his used his spare hand to push them back up, looking up at Dave when he did. He watched him for a while, breath picking up. He thought Dave would be quicker about it, but he was relaxed. He pressed up into his palm with the slow fuck of his hand, fingers tight and thumb trailing itself up the side of his cock and pressing up under the head. It was weird to be a voyeur, and he was made aware of this every so often the video chat window would lag and Dave’s image would get that much grainer and skip around a bit, but it always seemed to fix itself. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek, waiting for Dave to say something. Which he did not. 

“Dave,” he whined, because Dave was being quiet and well, that might’ve been typical of him, but he didn’t really like it in a situation like this. He felt weird with the silence and the occasional noises and he wonder if real-life sex would be as easy to commandeer. “Daddy, tell me I’m a good boy.”

"Y-You're a good boy," Dave said, gasping a little at the end as he finally got some good friction going, hips stuttering a little, “You’re… You’re the fuckin’ best, John.” 

“Fuck,” he hissed faintly, “I wish you were here, daddy,” he breathed, eyes transfixed on his screen. He ground up into the palm of his hands, hips jerking and messy, and he made the dumbest noises. “Oh god…”

"Fucking..." Dave pumped himself faster, moaning a little. "Sh-Shit, baby, I wanna be there so bad, I want that to be my hand..." Dave was nicer to look than he was, John thought privately, his low sounds and practiced movements as he fucked up into his hand. He told himself to be louder, assertive, something that repaid its dues. 

John took off his glasses and threw them haphazardly on his desk because they were absolutely not cooperating with him right now, and the fogginess was extra heat he didn’t need. His back arched up from the cushion of his desk chair, and his breathing was ever-so labored. He was trying to look nice for Dave. “Daddy, daddy, t-talk to me, please. I want you to be here.” 

Dave groaned, muffled by the hand smothering his mouth, as the screen jumped and glitched out, obscuring his movements briefly but not his audio. 

"I wanna be there with you, so fucking bad, I-I wanna feel your skin and make you scream my name," He stopped to moan, thumb caressing up under the head of his cock. He panting slightly, only enough to make his chest rise and fall dramatically. "God, I bet you’d feel so good if I fucked you, baby, I want to push you down and fuckin’ pound you with my… my schlong.” 

John was beyond the point of caring about the euphemisms. He ate the words up, albeit them being cheapy porno quotes and shitty dick synonyms, because he is pure. “I want you so bad, d-daddy.. I want you to be here so much...”

"I want to be with you too... I want to taste you, I want to fuck you..." Dave shut his eyes, one hand fisting into his sheets, “God.” 

“I want you here too,” he gasped, “I want to ride you like no goddamn tomorrow,” he gripped himself tighter, eyes squeezed shut, “dammit, Dave, why aren’t you here to fuck me?” his voice trailed off in a whine, his head fell back against his seat and his hips moved of their own accord, shoving up into his hand with a sort-of neediness he’d never gotten while going solo in the shower or something. This was so much better. 

"I-I’ll save my money-- fuck, and then I’m gonna fly out and see you baby, I-I promise," He moaned, “Bet you’d look so pretty riding me, John, you’d look so goddamn good and shi-- shit.”

“You’d do that?” he asked, but the question was off his mind as soon as it had been on it and he didn’t have much time to dwell on it, because he felt himself getting even more goddamn desperate and he was absolutely rambling by then, “Daddy, I want to be your good boy, I want you to fuck,” his voice broke off, “d-do whatever you want to me and, dammit..”

"I'm so close baby... So close John..." His voice cracked a tiny bit but John couldn't care, he was too busy with his current predicament, leg swung over the chair locking up. 

“So am I, oh god, Dave.” 

John probably couldn't shut up if he tried, little gasps and noises and Dave seemed to like them so muffling them was out of the question. After the fact, John would note how awkward this is, but right now, he wasn't paying it any mind. Dave cried out rather loudly as he came, the cum spilling onto his sheets and some of his hand, and John was right behind him. 

Dave panted and practically collapsed on his bed, probably reeling over what was probably the best orgasm of his life, though John wouldn't flatter himself. "This.... was a real fucking good idea.” Dave forced himself to sit up, looking at his mess. "Fuck. I gotta wash these now."

"Ugh, I feel all gross now, too," he grinned lazily, patting his desk, "At least I don't have to do laundry, I guess."

“I hate you, honestly," Dave said, “Daddy’s boy doesn’t even have to do his own laundry.”

John hummed faintly, cocking his head. “Which daddy, in this scenario?” 

Dave gave him a look and John dissolved into breathless, tired giggles. “I'm sorry. I love you.” 

“Yeah, I love you, too, nerdface.”


End file.
